11.10.2016

life lately | motherhood is messy

real talk here on this blog this morning.  to be honest I had nothing "planned" for the blog today.. as has been for the last week.  I haven't been feeling motivation to write or plan or mess with sitting down to spend time in front of the computer when my house is basically upside down.  its been a pretty rough couple of weeks over here.  I spend my life juggling what feels like one thousand spinning plates and when those plates come crashing down, sometimes picking up the pieces aren't worth the trouble and a big fat UGLY cry is in order.  which is what I spent this morning doing behind closed doors of my bathroom while the girls ate breakfast in preparation for another busy day.
pregnancy always exacerbates every situation I'm in, and I'm basically a monster to anyone that crosses my path about 25% of the time. another 25% of me is spent sobbing and then I've got about half of myself that I feel in control of.. most of the time. 
I usually love to keep this blog light and airy and while fully transparent.. why do I want to share that I spent my Saturday in the ER because Parker was hours away of full blown sepsis and a week long hospital stay for IV antibiotics because of an infected hangnail (!!) that just kept getting worse and I'm not a worrier at heart, so I just kept treating it like any other boo-boo with paw patrol band-aids and neosporin.. or that I let strep throat go untreated in all three of my children because I thought that since the fever was gone they were "fine"..and then it turned into the most disgusting rash and off and on fevers and NO ONE eating a normal meal in weeks.
..oh, and back to precious Parker Jane, again.  she seemed to find the only fire ant pile on our half acre of a backyard and plop right down on top of it only to be eaten alive on the entire lower half of her little body.  I was sobbing as I ran from the kitchen where I was making dinner to the backyard terrified that she had broken a limb or something from the way she was screaming and flailing in the grass in true agony.  thanks to that untreated strep the ant bites (literally hundreds) turned into impetigo requiring more oral antibiotics and a topical ointment on top of what she was already on. up and down at all hours of the night and day for over a week treating her itchy legs and bootie with cream for relief.  
literally, double-you tee eff.  I cant make this stuff up.
its been since Sunday that Baker has eaten anything but a few bites of oats and yogurt. she's been waking for the day this last week around 5:30am screaming bloody murder because she's completely demolished her crib and everything in it with diarrhea.  
she's "fine" during the day, aside from being a hangry MONSTER and requiring to be on my hip at all times, but no fever.. so I'm just lost.
feeling like mother of the year, over here, guys.
tears are coming again as I even try and relive the thought of the last couple of weeks we have had to put it all down in writing.  
the emotional roller coaster I've been on with my parents, although good, has still be absolutely draining.. there are still unresolved issues with my brothers that are tearing me apart with anxiety.
..and I am not typically an anxious person at all.
I've had some hard realizations about friendship and what is really important in my life as far as keeping people close and some at a distance.. and where I stand with other friends has shown their true colors.  so much high school drama and petty expectations and I'm 32 years old.  
no one has time for that! 
we've been pretty consistent with Baker's eye patching but seeing little improvement.. even though its hardly noticeable, its all I can see when I look at her or pictures. 

all of this has hit me in the last couple weeks and its just not been easy.

I've been trying to keep up with "everything" on my long list of to-do's but I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks, Baker has been in her pajamas for three days because I'm too lazy to think about getting her dressed.. and I am wearing a ball cap for the 5th day in a row. 
but stepping away for a couple days from social media and the blog, crying it out a bit, and leaving my raw emotions here feels refreshing- in a way probably just few really understand.
being an adult is hard.
this motherhood thing is messy.  
and the vent is totally worth it.

off to Target in my ball cap and leggings sans a stitch of makeup.. and Baker will be eating donuts and still in her pajamas.
feel free to say hello if you see us:)
xo

31 comments:

Jenny Pittsburgh said...

When I was pregnant, I made it a point to have a good hard cry most days. I usually had no idea what I was crying about but it felt so good just to let it out. Now that I think about it, I should do it more often. Motherhood is so messy but the good news is...kids are resilient. My motto when I first had my twins was "just keep them alive". Fed, clean and loved...that's all I needed to do.

As far as your family goes, families are also messy. Everyone has some level of dysfunction in their family and I give you a lot of credit for opening up your heart to try and mend fences. I'm sure it's not easy.

Hang in there and just take things one day at a time. You're lucky you look so good in a ballcap :)

Lavakels said...

Uffda. That's a rough couple of weeks and being pregnant doesn't make it any easier. We all make mom-mistakes. Your kids know that you love them and life will get back to normal quickly. Take heart! Friendships can be so hard- it doesn't stop when you're an adult. Praying for some better weeks ahead!

Christie Lynch said...

long time reader, first time commenter! hang in there! I'm a dog mom and our pup just went in to get spayed.. they told us she had a double ear infection AND a staph infection on her belly.. I felt awful and guilty and can't imagine how you feel. We all do our best and you cant beat yourself up over it! Everyone's okay and you can only learn from mistakes.

Kath said...

You've got this, Mama. Just keep going and it'll get better. None of us have it together all of the time so I would say 50% of the time is pretty darn good. I hope things look up for you soon! Just remember that no matter what your girls will always see you as a superhero. <3

Nicole A. said...

Oh girl...anyone who is a mom has been there! My 17-month old had one of those weird illnesses two weeks ago. She would spike a fever in the afternoon/evenings, be a litter terror that night, then wake up completely normal and be awesome all day long. And the first day or two, I babied her and went to hold her every time she woke up at night. And then...she started screaming bloody murder when she was put in her crib. I drove myself crazy wondering: what's wrong with her? Is she still sick? Is it teeth? Is she scared?
Ultimately, in hindsight, I think it was a combination of illness, just testing out her screaming voice, and maybe a sleep regression.
The point is: it's just hard. It sucks to not always know what's wrong with your kiddo. Most of the time I feel like I'm guessing.
And did I mention I only have one? You've got three active kids and you're trying to grow another. You only have so much to give. Try to cut yourself some slack and give yourself yourself some grace.
You're doing the best you can. We all are.

Angela said...

You poor mama. That is a rough few weeks. I am glad you decided to blog about it as a way to vent. Always remember you are a good mom and you are never alone!! I have 4 boys and some days are rough, so I know where you are coming from, but you are doing he best you can!! Just worry about your beautiful girls and everything else can take a backseat. Those you truly care will always be there. Sending you lots of hugs!!

Ashley said...

Amber, I am one of the few that understand! Last year, my husband found out that he was loosing his job just weeks before Christmas. Through a whirlwind move and God supplying a job with just two weeks before we ended up homeless, I was a mess. After we moved, I took my 1 1/2 year old daughter to a speech evaluation, knowing that she was very behind, only to find out that she had not been hearing and desperately needed glasses. She had surgery to get tubes put in on the same day that my 4 year old had surgery to have a pre-cancerous mole removed. I felt like the worst mother because-- how do you not know that your child has not been hearing your voice or seeing?! My six year old just had to get glasses also because she had terrible vision.. and I HOMESCHOOL!! How did I miss that? I'm not meaning to type this out to get sympathy. I just want you to know that I truly do know the emotions that you feel in regards to that and I want to send you a virtual hug from a stranger.

Adulthood is hard. Motherhood is even harder. You are doing a great job. Your girls are so happy and it shows that you are an amazing mama. I will be praying for you!

Darcy Potter said...

Oh Amber :( Sending you lots of hugs and luvs today and always, but extra big bear hugs this week to you. I have only one and feel like this on most days, so you are doing good my friend :) Thanks for laying it all out there and we are here to support you from afar! Luv ya, Darcy

Mrs. Less said...

I read your blog all the time and it is obvious you adore and love your babies. That's all they'll remember, that's all they need! Hang in there, get some rest, and rock that hat and no makeup look. :)

The Jacobs Family said...

Gish, girl! That is ALOT! Hugs to you and our sweet family! 💗

Melanie Reilly said...

I'm so sorry! Hang in there, you are a great mom!

Heather said...

I can totally relate! I think most mothers can! And like someone else has already said here, I only have one child. You are doing a fabulous job at raising three beautiful and amazing little girls...all while growing a handsome little man in your belly. We are human, we aren't perfect, and yes, we make mistakes. You are so not alone mama and I'm thankful that you posted about your troubles here. It takes guts to do that nowadays. I have so much respect for those who are honest and real than those who pretend as though everything is perfect all the time. Truth is, we all go through seasons in life where the challenges are different but by His grace we make it through...one way or another. Try not to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend and you are so loved!

Nina Newswanger said...

Hey also long time reader and first time commenter...hang in there! Love your honesty and as a momma of 4 boys I've definitely been there! Praying you feel Jesus's living arms around you!

Kelsey Walters said...

This is actually the first time I've ever commented on any blog actually (just a happy reader!) and I've been reading yours for a few years! Today I just felt compelled to comment to tell you you are a freaking AMAZING mom. I work as a NICU nurse and while it is truly the most rewarding (although sometimes heartbreaking) career I could have ever chosen, there are so some heart crushing times I see mothers abandon their children, never come to see them or mothers who truly should not be allowed to take their children home after their actions and from that experience I can tell you, you are KILLING IT in the Momma game! Your girls and soon to be little guy are lucky to have you and I'm sending all the good vibes your way that the troubles resolve for you and your family :) Today I raise my very much needed Starbucks to you lady, thanks for loving your tiny humans so fiercely!

Naomi Carpenter said...

Let me just say that this was so refreshing. I'm actually in the middle of processing writing a blog post about a moment where I was the parent that I didn't want to be. Being a mom is HARD, and just know that every mom has been in that place, where they just need to vent, cry, keep the kiddos in pjs (and let them watch too much TV...). Praying for you and that these weeks coming up with the {always busy} holidays gives you fun + relaxing memories with your family! :) The days are long, but the years are short....babies don't keep, ya know? :) xox

Kelly Smith said...

Girlfriend, when it rains it pours...amiright???
Bravo to you for your authenticity and honesty. You're one tough mama :) Prayers your way today.

Stacy said...

I really don't have anything to add beyond what these ladies already said, but I just needed to tell you that I feel you!

Shannon Clark said...

Hang in there! I know we know very little of your world but your kids are all healthy and happy and you are not perfect but you love them and you're doing your best! XXX

Megan said...

I don't normally comment but just wanted to say hang in there mama you got this! We all have these times in life and it's nice to see your honesty. Sending prayers for a healthier month!

Brandi Little said...

My heart is hurting for you right now!! I'm lifting you, and your family, up in prayer in this very moment. You are doing a GREAT job, and don't let ugly thoughts tell you differently! <3

Krcat said...

Thank you for your honesty! So many times I read blogs and everything always seems perfect all the time and I feel like I'm the only one who feels like they are hanging on by a string most of the time! So it's refreshing to read an honest post like this. Hang in there! Sending hugs your way! Krista

Sabina Petkov said...

Every momma can relate! We all have these feelings at times. Hang in there, you WILL get through this funk! This stage of life is HARD, we all know it! <3

Danielle said...

been there far too many times, i'm sorry! it sucks!!! hang in there mama. it does seem like when it rains it pours and when you're pregnant and taking care of three little ones and going a million miles an hour, well, everyone would reach their breaking point. maybe have the hubby take over for awhile and be in charge of dinner and you go out and eat something yummy in your car in peace and quiet (or blasting throwback 90's music) and then do some retail therapy for the little man. Good luck making it through the storm! XO

PicturealmostPerfect said...

Oh my gosh mama. I'm so sorry. But you are amazing and wonderful and those girls and BOY are blessed to have you. Hang in there. It all gets better, always does!

Lindsay Ingram said...

Oh mylanta that does sound rough!!! But your babes are so blessed to have you for their momma -you have shown us your human and I'm sure I'm not the only one who is a little relieved to have some company in the "Motherhood - Winging it!" Area ;)
You're growing a baby, it's ok to live in jammies and eat cereal for every meal. I'm sure the girlies don't mind :)
Praying for health for the whole family and that you may give yourself GRACE momma.
😘

Cari Shewmaker said...

This to shall pass!! Praying for you girly! You are an awesome momma that is doing an awesome job. This blog
Is YOUR space and I love it!!! Thanks for keeping it real and confirming that we all have our struggles and no one is perfect. Hope your rough patch turns around soon. Keep your chin up and rock that baseball cap like no other!

Jordan said...

You're a great mom! Your girls are all loved and well taken care of! Hang in there! :)

-Kimberly- said...

Sometimes the best things we do as mamma is hug, hold, and CARE! It isn't your fault when your littles get sick, or stay sick, or get worse. You are doing great. Your littles love you, and that says it all. Hug them tight and breathe in their holiness. Let their love for you cover all the failings you think you have.

Love from Grapevine!!

6friarys.com said...

This post breaks my heart. We've all been there!! Hang in there, mama!!! We all know you're doing a great job raising those sweet little girls.

Ashley Stargel said...

While I hate that you are going through these hard moments, I love that you choose to share them. Like I have said before, I feel we live in a world where we are supposed to "be" perfect and polished and have it all together. There is so much pressure to hide the bad and just get through it. It makes being a momma even harder than normal. I admire you so much for your honesty!! Keep it up and know that it's okay to not shower, or wear jammies for 3 days straight, or a ball cap with no makeup. Much love to you!

Jose Serrato said...

Hey! This is Ashlyn C. I feel like a total failure most days as well. Then, when I'm lying there at night and baby Jose (who still sleeps with us) creeps over and gives me the good 'ol open mouth kiss, it erases everything. My mother-in-law always tells me, "this too shall pass." I hate when she says it because I'm so wrapped up in the moments of my anxiety and feeling like a total failure that her little input is just one more annoyance to my life. You are an excellent mother! You are an excellent person! Things get hairy in life sometimes and we just have to show up, put our big girl panties on, and move on (kicking butt and taking names in the process). Everything eventually settles back to normalcy! Lots of love and prayers during this difficult time you're going through!

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