real talk here on this blog this morning. to be honest I had nothing "planned" for the blog today.. as has been for the last week. I haven't been feeling motivation to write or plan or mess with sitting down to spend time in front of the computer when my house is basically upside down. its been a pretty rough couple of weeks over here. I spend my life juggling what feels like one thousand spinning plates and when those plates come crashing down, sometimes picking up the pieces aren't worth the trouble and a big fat UGLY cry is in order. which is what I spent this morning doing behind closed doors of my bathroom while the girls ate breakfast in preparation for another busy day.
pregnancy always exacerbates every situation I'm in, and I'm basically a monster to anyone that crosses my path about 25% of the time. another 25% of me is spent sobbing and then I've got about half of myself that I feel in control of.. most of the time.
I usually love to keep this blog light and airy and while fully transparent.. why do I want to share that I spent my Saturday in the ER because Parker was hours away of full blown sepsis and a week long hospital stay for IV antibiotics because of an infected hangnail (!!) that just kept getting worse and I'm not a worrier at heart, so I just kept treating it like any other boo-boo with paw patrol band-aids and neosporin.. or that I let strep throat go untreated in all three of my children because I thought that since the fever was gone they were "fine"..and then it turned into the most disgusting rash and off and on fevers and NO ONE eating a normal meal in weeks.
..oh, and back to precious Parker Jane, again. she seemed to find the only fire ant pile on our half acre of a backyard and plop right down on top of it only to be eaten alive on the entire lower half of her little body. I was sobbing as I ran from the kitchen where I was making dinner to the backyard terrified that she had broken a limb or something from the way she was screaming and flailing in the grass in true agony. thanks to that untreated strep the ant bites (literally hundreds) turned into impetigo requiring more oral antibiotics and a topical ointment on top of what she was already on. up and down at all hours of the night and day for over a week treating her itchy legs and bootie with cream for relief.
literally, double-you tee eff. I cant make this stuff up.
its been since Sunday that Baker has eaten anything but a few bites of oats and yogurt. she's been waking for the day this last week around 5:30am screaming bloody murder because she's completely demolished her crib and everything in it with diarrhea.
she's "fine" during the day, aside from being a hangry MONSTER and requiring to be on my hip at all times, but no fever.. so I'm just lost.
feeling like mother of the year, over here, guys.
tears are coming again as I even try and relive the thought of the last couple of weeks we have had to put it all down in writing.
the emotional roller coaster I've been on with my parents, although good, has still be absolutely draining.. there are still unresolved issues with my brothers that are tearing me apart with anxiety.
..and I am not typically an anxious person at all.
I've had some hard realizations about friendship and what is really important in my life as far as keeping people close and some at a distance.. and where I stand with other friends has shown their true colors. so much high school drama and petty expectations and I'm 32 years old.
no one has time for that!
we've been pretty consistent with Baker's eye patching but seeing little improvement.. even though its hardly noticeable, its all I can see when I look at her or pictures.
all of this has hit me in the last couple weeks and its just not been easy.
I've been trying to keep up with "everything" on my long list of to-do's but I haven't been to the grocery store in weeks, Baker has been in her pajamas for three days because I'm too lazy to think about getting her dressed.. and I am wearing a ball cap for the 5th day in a row.
but stepping away for a couple days from social media and the blog, crying it out a bit, and leaving my raw emotions here feels refreshing- in a way probably just few really understand.
being an adult is hard.
this motherhood thing is messy.
and the vent is totally worth it.
off to Target in my ball cap and leggings sans a stitch of makeup.. and Baker will be eating donuts and still in her pajamas.
feel free to say hello if you see us:)