mama confessions II

one. I havent cooked a real dinner in a month (or two!?!).. unless you want to count that ONE time I threw a bunch of stuff in the crock pot and called it homemade. we've been eating a lot of cereal.

two. when I sent out my birthday invites for the surprise announcement/gender reveal party I addressed myself as turning 33.  Auntie had to text and remind me that I'm only turning 32.  who does that?
three. my kids occasionally put me in my place.  and I try SO HARD not to laugh about it.
Jolie told me what she wanted to watch on television (Mickey Mouse) and then changed her mind (apparently) while I was finishing breakfast for Baker.. 
me: okay!  mickey mouse it is!
Jo: no mom. I SAID Paw Patrol!
me: oh!  sorry I missed that.
Jo: no.  you weren't listening very well, were you? Mom, I told you and you were doing something else instead of listening to me.
me: ...
after swatting parker on the leg and sending her to time out after she punched Jolie in the face (literally) over a toy she wouldn't share.. she waled from the "time out" corner in the hallway "you don't just HIT PEOPLE, MOM!!"

four. I've become slightly obsessed with Fixer Upper. on a chip and jojo high the other night, at midnight, I applied to be on the show.. living in Waco in a 1000 square foot home with 3..err.. four kids is completely doable.  they make it look so good.  and easy.  Jordan will kill me.
five. I'm an emotional wreck and completely irrational when I'm pregnant.  I cried my eyes out the other night watching Keeping Up with the Kardashian's.. Kylie's lip kit restock was SUCH a success and her site didn't crash!  I literally cried. bawled for her. over lipstick. 
see also number four.

six. Jolie had an accident in the bed one night recently.. I told her it was okay, threw down a towel and went back to sleep..

seven.  the dog tinkled on Parker's bed the next night in excitement as we were getting everyone in bed.. I threw down a towel and remembered I never changed Jojo's sheets from the night before. oops!

eight. my housekeeper is absolutely amazing.  the most wonderful woman on the planet and we make sure she is well aware of how much we appreciate her.  I would give up my cell phone (for reals) to keep her if it came down to it.  she washes and folds every ounce of laundry/sheets in this house when she comes every two weeks on Tuesday.  on Monday night I spend the entire evening putting away the laundry she folded from two weeks ago.

nine. Parker + Jolie LOVE to sing. love it. and they always want us to sing with them! Jesus Loves Me and ABC's are the number one request,  but randomly they've started asking to sing Jingle Bells.  well, Jordan refuses to sing "because its not Christmas". Parker got so upset the other night because we wouldn't sing Jingle Bells, so Jordan started singing You are My Sunshine as we were pulling into the Starbucks line to order.. apparently we serenaded all the Starbucks employees wearing a headset because when we stopped singing they picked up where we left off.  
tears were rolling down my face in laughter!

ten. Baker has started following me around waving her finger when I'm curtly directing the twins to stop doing backflips off the couch.  like she's sticking up for them or sassing them like her mama.
what am I going to do with her?

eleven.. the size of this bump here at 14 weeks makes me slightly nervous for the growth to come.


five on friday

one. all the baby boy things
my baby boy is GROWING!!  and I adore him!!  I've started to feel him move in the evenings and its very clear I am pregnant!  Im doing community outreach this week and teaching nutrition at a couple of middle schools.  LET ME JUST SAY you teachers are a different breed of men + women.  I am WIPED by 6th period and I cannot even imagine doing this job every single day.  side note: had an 8th grader ask me in front of the entire 27 student class I was teaching if I was pregnant.. thank goodness I said yes or that would have been awkward:) my face was beet red anyway.

I do plan to still do bump updates here and there, but it might not be every week.
but who knows.  it might.
either way, I am so in love with my growing bump.  I still cant believe all this is happening! 
two. maternity staples
I am already well into maternity clothes and completely embracing it.  tops still fit well because I love flowy boho, but as for the bottoms, I am all about the comfort and cant even handle doing the hair-tie trick.  thats never been comfortable for me- mainly because my waist is smaller than my rear and all my pants wont stay up if I use the hair tie.. even tho they wont even come close to buttoning naturally.  whatever. give me the full panel maternity pants.  some of my favorite basic styles that I come back to over and over are on SALE right now using code EVENT at checkout for 35% off!
I LIVE in the pure body tanks and tees throughout my entire pregnancy and their leggings are just amazing AND that t-shirt dress is basically the most versatile item ever. wear with sandals and a chunky necklace now.. and with a scarf + cardigan + tights with booties when the weather gets cooler (CMON, WEATHER!)

three. fabfitfun
those genius folks over at fabfitfun have done it again! when I received my box in the mail this week I could have died over the toesox.. and that mod cloth blanket scarf will look awesome with the black t-shirt dress I mentioned above.. with a grey duster cardigan?! and grey or taupe booties?! yes!
 use code AMBERM for $10 off your first box!
also, follow along over on IG (@fabfitfun) for sneak peeks into their newest boxes and fun updates!

fourtrendy toddlers + giveaway
I still cannot get over the awesome selection that little mango offers! I was pleased to share this small shop and I love how trendy my girls look! don't forget to enter the giveaway HERE!

five. nana + duke
well, we've opened the door.  not a lot (actually maybe just a handful of people) know the story or experience I've had with my parents/family and its been drama my entire life.  even as an adult I deal with things from my childhood that will never go away- no matter how much counseling I've had (I've gone through several years of it..) prescription drugs and alcohol consumed my mother's life for most of my adolescent life and into adulthood- and not a soul would know because of how well we hid it in our typical suburbia family life. outside looking in we were totally normal.  looking back there were so many times we visited my mom in rehab and I had no clue what we were doing there at that time and age- but now as an adult the pieces fall together so randomly.
I find myself saying "huh.  well that makes sense now.

my dad was miserable. bi-polar.  depressed. angry. never ever abusive in any way, but just absent.  he supported me in all of my extra curricular activities, but I never knew when he would decide to stay in bed all day- and I HATED being home on the weekends because my house was basically desolate with everyone in their four corners doing their own thing and never together.  I was never home because of this.

even bigger, as I got into high school, I was the adult and my mother was a child and I tolerated this until she started lying and being deceitful about her addiction..and basically lied to my face about being on prescription medication during her first and only visit she would have just one week after the twins were born.  she passed out while holding a four pound Jolie Grace and I was home alone with her and I freaked out.  I never talked to her or the rest of my family again. I had babies to protect from this turmoil I had dealt with my entire life and I never wanted my girls to question ANYthing or feel unsafe EVER. so I was done.  that was nearly four years ago.

over the last several months God has been revealing His truth of redemption and grace to me.. even to the point of it coming out in complete strangers.  the most bizarre experience of my life happened at Costco. an older gentleman, just in passing, complimented my girls and some how, right there in the middle of the bulk cereal aisle, broke down into tears because his daughter was keeping his grandkids from him. "dont keep them from their grandparents."
my stomach was in knots.
how did this guy inadvertently tell me my own life story.

since then God has been opening doors and making me feel safe in walking through them, and this week it all finally came to a head when my parents made a trip to Dallas to meet my girls for the first time.  it was the most awkward visit.. only because I had never seen my dad be so amazing.  he was a different person.. not angry or depressed or uninterested.. and my mom was clean.  normal. 
taking this one day at a time.. and I could write a novel just based on all this emotion rising to the surface about just one 48 hour visit.

any time anyone would ask about my parents or family it was so easy just to leave it to "we dont have a relationship with them".  sweep it under the rug or stuff it in a closet and hide behind that phrase because I swear Jordan, bless that amazing man, might be the only one that truly knows how dark my past can be. and he still loves me and supports me through it all.  even when I am fighting him with all my might in fear.  my fear is often bigger than my faith. 

but this time it was good. my girls completely fell in love with my dad and my dad's feelings were clearly mutual. and the sweet conversations they had with my mom were plenty.
my dad would tell me he loved me and my mom would try and just hug me or love on me and I wasn't sure what to do or say or how to act, but I wanted to keep my girls comfortable.  they don't know about this hurt I have.  they don't know about drama or pain or stress.  my heart is hard right now about all this.  but I am working so hard to soften it.  I just took a seat and watched all this unfold with tears in my eyes- never thinking this would ever be a reality.  I tried so hard to push the anxiety away and just let the joy play out.  no matter how much drama and distress you have in your family life.. there are always points when you "just want your mom".  I have said it one million times in my adult life that I just wanted my mom.  I've cried in Jordans' arms over absolutely nothing because I just want my mom.  and she physically and emotionally just could not be there.  I was terrified to walk through another pregnancy without my mom.  but she's here.  she's here now.  and I hope and pray and believe that this time wont turn into yet another dance of promises and let downs.
..taking things one day at a time.


toddler tailgating + little mango | giveaway

I've said it before and I'll say it again.. we LOVE small shops.  working with and shopping small has been rewarding in more ways than just the CUTTE clothes.. watching these businesses grow from the ground up through support of others like me and you- not to mention being able to find basically anything I'm looking for when it comes to trendy clothes for my girls! 
..well and now a boy (eeeeKK!)
toddler tailgatiing.. because its still SO HOT and bahama bucks dreamcicle + cotton candy sno cones just sounded right for the occasion. 
at Little Mango, we love all things kids. after having our son Cruz in 2011, we searched for unique and diverse children’s apparel and accessories. following many late nights spent online, we’ve since discovered many new brands and small, family run shops with trendy products that simply cannot be found on every block. we were hooked. four years later and with the arrival of our second son, Leo, we have put together a collection of our favorites and Little Mango is our little space to share them with you.
you won’t find any products at Little Mango that we wouldn’t use ourselves (or gift to the fabulous little ladies in our lives). we love discovering new brands and sharing them with everyone we know. Whether you are looking for something for your own littles or you want to find the perfect gift, Little Mango is your spot.
one of our goals for Little Mango Children's Boutique is to provide an unparalleled shopping experience for our customers. We work hard to provide great service and to help you in any way we can to find the coolest gear for you and your kiddo.  we also know you are busy and sometimes you may not have time to scour a website for the perfect look for your child for a special event or to find a gift for a birthday or baby shower. 

that's where we come in. 

send us an email (hello@shoplittlemango.com) and let us know what you are looking for - we will put together some options and send them back to you and hopefully help find exactly what you wanted! we can be even better if you send us details, preferred sizes and budget!
like we said, we are here for YOU. 

drama mama right here.  I busted her out of the crib for these pictures and I don't think she was completely awake yet, but HOW SWEET does she look anyway?! 
me and Baker will have matching bellies before we know it.. and if only mine would look as cute as hers!
 every single bit of these outfits can be found over at little mango, and not to mention the slew of baby BOY things I cannot wait to get my hands on. OMG I have so much shopping to do!! 
I'll take this entire outfit.
..can I enter my own giveaway?
meh, that might be frowned upon, BUT, what I can do it use the amazing discount code little mango has offered up exclusively to my readers!
OMG I just cant with these growing girls!
I'm so excited for the opportunity to offer one lucky winner $50 shop credit towards anything they wish from little mango!  I know I'm not the only mama out there that could use $50 to kick off a fresh start to the school year and cooler weather wardrobe for their babe(s)!  even better, little mango is offering 20% your entire purchase using the code PBJBABES
GO!  fall is here!! but don't forget to enter the giveaway!
a Rafflecopter giveaway
good luck!
as always, thank you to Brittany for her talent in catching my crazy crew in the best light, and to little mango for sponsoring this post.


weekend + thank you

first of all.. I don't even know where to start with a thank you.  we are literally over the moon with excitement about this baby and the fact that its a BOY!  its just wonderful news!  I love him so much already.  the hundreds of sweet comments and calls and texts and messages and emails- I am overwhelmed with thanks and gratitude AND so impressed by everyone that offered up a boy name.  this list is better than anything that google has offered.. even the lists on Pinterest cannot compare! 
what is cracking me up is the consideration of the blog name- I totally LOVE it! someone mentioned pb ANDY j and I about died- its so cute! I don't know why I thought it was so silly but I did.  he may not be named something that goes perfectly along with pb+j, but either way, he's still part of the babes.
we'll figure it out. 


in the meantime.. I cannot forget that the reveal was just a detail in the super fun weekend I had.
Misty and her hubby arrived from PA on Thursday afternoon and she and I met and physically hugged for the first time in the 4 years we have been friends and it was just wonderful.  I couldn't believe she was HERE! I had convinced her to make the trip for my birthday, but it was so much more than that:)

we kicked off Friday morning with a trip to Waco.  I promised to take her to visit the Magnolia Market, which was a-ok with me since I had been just once before- last year during the week of Thanksgiving just a month after it opened.  it was a little chaotic:)
this time, however, was less crowded- we arrived right after it opened that morning and we could walk freely through the shop and browse our little hearts out.  

 about lunchtime it started to get pretty busy, so we figured make our way outside to find a quick bite to eat.  they have a sweet little bakery right outside the shop and food trucks that line the entire back fence of the property.  the smells from the bakery were calling my name, so we skipped the REAL food and opted for giant cinnamon rolls + chocolate cupcakes instead.

 I DID get myself the only savory thing on the bakery menu- it was like a red lobster cheddar muffin on steroids.  it was fantastic and I ate the entire thing before divulging in this here giant cinnamon roll.
 we made sure to get a picture under #milestomagnolia - she had traveled so many miles to be there!
 we started Saturday with a coffee and a trip to drybar.  I LOVE that place and I wish money grew on trees bc I would go all the time! they don't have anything like that where Misty lives, so I thought it would be a fun treat for us to share.. and then Saturday night came and SOME how I kept this big secret from her the entire weekend.

gah. still reliving those moments.. I cry every time I watch the video .  I think we were all not sure what to do with ourselves after the big reveal- and what you don't see is my father in law off camera basically doing backflips and I was crying/laughing before he made his way over to me for a big fat bear hug. 
 all my best girls were there.
misty + me
 andrea + me
also having baby boy Cohen, exactly three months before this little man is due.
 ..and my other sweet friend.  
we had everyone fooled!
and of course baby Grayson was there to play with all the ladies!
such a good weekend!!  I loved every single moment.


the secret is out!

we've kept the biggest secret of our lives for the last 13 weeks and its probably been the hardest thing we've ever done.  okay, maybe not THE HARDest but pretty hard.  keeping a secret like this from everyone, including the grandparents and our closest friends is outrageous, especially when this belly is already popping. 

I found out I was pregnant really early.. in and amongst the crazy of the fourth of July holiday and Baker's birthday I had completely forgotten when I was supposed to test or even start my period.  we started trying when my cycle came back after weaning Baker- back in April/May when my first period came back.  I had never bought those ovulation kits let alone had a single clue about how to use them- I hadn't ovulated normally in over 10 years (on my own), so how was I supposed to know?!
anyway.  my period came back like clockwork- already totally different than my experience with the twins.  I was put on medication to initiate my cycle after they weaned at 13 months and it still didn't come back after 2 months of medication and then FINALLY it came.
so, getting it on my own and then again on the exact day the following month was such a surprise to me.  the only thing was.. I would have my period for 4-8 days (I was always 2-4 days MAX) and then  exactly 6 days after I would spot.  and the spotting would last 3 days. 

totally TMI, but it all makes sense together, I promise. 

so, after google completely FAH-reaked me out I made an appointment with my OB to get checked out to see why in the world I was constantly spotting on the same days of the month so close to my normal period.  I needed blood work and a sonogram and, again, my OB freaked me out because along with google she was also telling me that spotting was not normal.
here we are in June now.  life was insane.  got another negative pregnancy test and then my period came again.. and then the spotting came as well. for some reason that day (it was a wednesday.. no idea why I remember that) I decided to take an ovulation test.  I had been testing for ovulation between day 9-11, and always getting a positive, but still wasn't pregnant. ANYWAY, on day 6 after my period I took an ovulation test and sure enough it was positive.  I texted my nurse and confided in google once again and both confirmed that spotting could be a sign of ovulation.


I had a shift at the hospital everyday that week and Jordan had just left for bootcamp and I decided to take a test.  I was about four days before my missed period.. but took one anyway because I'm OCD and cant wait for ANYthing. 
the lightest most faint line showed after 4 minutes.
I confess to taking a test about every day for the next two weeks..and then 2-3 times/week after that.  I swear I'm not crazy I just was severely anxious about it all- it gave me the peace of mind in seeing the positive pregnancy test once again. 
stop judging me. 

we saw this sweet baby's heartbeat at 7 weeks, and then did another sonogram at almost 12 weeks.  little thing was wiggling and rolling from front to back and shared the same tiny profile as the other three babes before it.  that day I did the blood test for genetic abnormalities, but also to determine gender.  I had always had our perinatologist determine the gender and she was always correct, but for whatever reason I was adamant to do the blood test this time around.  I just had this feeling I needed to know FOR SURE.. even though my peri had never been wrong before.  my nurse said it would take about 3 business days before the results would come back, so I made my perinatologist appointment around that day so I could swing by and pick up the results..
they weren't ready. so my peri gave me her 95% guess, as she always had, and sealed it in an envelope and we were on our way. the next day the results came in, so I made a special trip to pick them up. so now we have two envelopes- but the blood results were the only FOR SURE results we needed. part of me was just going to wait and get them in a couple weeks and use what the perinatologist had determined so I didnt have to make the trip.. but I did anyway. 
back track to about 7 weeks ago.. I was chatting with Jordan about how we should tell and when and mentioned that we should just keep the entire thing a big fat secret and surprise everyone with a pregnancy announcement AND a gender reveal!  my birthday is next week (sept 27th) and so inviting everyone over to watch college football and eat tacos for "my birthday" was the plan to get everyone at the house- and then bust out with the surprise after dinner. 
invites were sent for "football, tacos, + beer"
I ordered two balloons, one filled with pink and one filled with blue and took both balloons to be filled with the gender confirmation sealed in the envelope.  I told the guy behind the counter to just toss whatever balloon was unused away because we did not want to know and picked up a single balloon a couple hours before the party.
.. so now the only thing left was to actually keep it a secret. 
and that we did!  Jordan got everyone to come outside so we could sing happy birthday (so dumb because I'm turning 32 and dont need to blow out a candle but we had no other idea- ha!)
we did actually sing to me.  I did actually blow out a candle.. and then we spilled the beans.
..and it was SO awkward. 
no one knew what was happening or if the entire thing was a big fat joke.
even after I brought the giant balloon out from hiding in my closet I still had people looking at me with saucer eyeballs going "we are finding out RIGHT NOW?!"
my father in law followed the balloon around going- this is a joke, right? they are kidding, right??
I think it finally sank in.  and the freak out of excitement came out.

..see the whole thing wasn't a total LIE.. we did eat tacos and you can see football on the television behind us- ha!
there were a couple of super close girlfriends of mine that couldn't make the party so I told them a couple days before and promised to FaceTime for the big reveal!
I was dying.  between feeling like I was going to puke the entire day and then not having eaten AT ALL.. and the pressure to hide my bump that was completely NOT hide-able at this point.

I could have cried watching Jordan loose his mind.  he would have been 100% excited for our fourth baby girl on the way- he's the most amazing girl dad in our world and another baby girl would be such a cool blessing, but about a week ago he confided in me, with actual tears in his eyes, that he really wanted a baby boy.  he's the "last Massey" and the name dies with him.  so there was more than just baseball + hunting + digging for worms + dirty feet for him in his desire for a baby boy. 
I've got to learn how to be LESS expressive in my excitement.  the last gender reveal my mouth was open in every picture.  its quite comical.. 

papa was SO excited and the first one in line to give me the biggest bear hug.  he was also the final baby in a house with 4 older sisters.  
our baby boy is following in true Massey style.
BOY.  what in the world am I going to do with a boy?!
doesn't matter.  I'm going to love him SO BIG.  I cannot even begin to express our excitement over this crazy adventure ahead!!

..after everyone left and the crazy died down I opened the 95% results from our perinatologist JUST to see what she had "guessed". 
wouldn't that have been funny? 

photography // b faith photography
balloon + ombre tassel // gewoon
mama + mini kimono set c/o haberdash soul co
striped tunic c/o white plum (similar)
moto leggings c/o pinkblush maternity
booties c/o famous footwear


number 4

we live in a rainbow of chaos - paul cezanne

 ..everyone is excited- even Jolie:)
we still cannot believe it!!  is this real life?!
..more details to come..

photography by b faith photography
fringe booties c/o famous footwear

twins' rompers c/o dames + fellow
moccs c/o hello moccs


five on friday

one. PA>>TX
I just cannot express what an amazing weekend its going to be!!  my darling friend and biggest fan, Misty is HERE!  in TEXAS! Misty and I became friends over the internet about 4 years ago.  our friendship went from email to texting to FaceTime.. gifts at christmas and birthday.. snail mail with simple words of encouragement from one fellow mama to the next.  through births and miscarriage and joys and sorrows.. I swear this girl has been through everything with me and we have never even met before.  until now!  she's here and we have a FULL weekend ahead! 
two. only child 
last spring when we enrolled the big girls into preschool, I actually put down a deposit and enrolled Baker into the one year old class at this same preschool.  at the time she was like 4 months old, but I just wanted to have a spot just in case I thought maybe I was ready for her to go.  when it all came down to it, we opted to pull her out for a couple reasons.. I'm not working much at all these days and the cost of three kids in private preschool for two days/week is almost crazy.  AND, Baker never gets one on one time.  and this was the perfect opportunity! ya'll, we have been having THE BEST time with this girl!!  I am so glad we waited, regardless of the cost, we will never get this special time back with this sweet girl!  when she's two years old we will probably get her enrolled, but for now she is just going to hang out with mama and dad on those days her sisters are away.
this week she was the sweetest gal pal while I ran my errands..
we stopped for breakfast while getting my oil changed
 did a little window shopping and had fun playing in the mirror while trying on clothes
 teaching her dressing room selfies
it was just the best day.  she was such a dream!
three. special delivery
when your bestie and neighbor delivers dinner to your door.  the best pizza joint opened about two miles from the house and on Tuesday night when Britt was eating there with her family I convinced her to bring me some pizza- and she didn't even think twice about it.
four. salted caramel mocha
OMGGGG I've been waiting patiently for an entire year for these to return.  when the PSL made it's appearance I knew that my favorite of all time would be following.  I love pumpkin spice, but not yet.  now, the salted caramel mocha I can drink every day of the year.  I kinda do- international delight makes a salted caramel mocha creamer that fills my void through the lonely months of the year that Starbucks doesn't have my favorite.. but THIS. loving it!
note: decaf.  because it was after 3pm and I'm old.
five. ben + lauren
anyone else see this?!  I didn't.. until my husband tagged me in a picture on instagram.. a picture posted by one of those random bachelor fan pages.  what he's doing falling down the rabbit hole with those pages, but I am SO EXCITED about this!  my DVR was getting lonely after all the summer shows ended.  I always LOVE my birthday week because thats when the fall line up premiers and I usually spend my birthday eve watching Grey's and the rest of TGIT. Looks like I'll be busy again on Tuesday nights:)
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