12.31.2014

Our (Fertility) Story | Round Two

Or.. actually.  If we want to get practical and really break down the numbers.  This would be round four.

Looking back on this last year, as I prepare my heart and mind to write this post and share the 'tough stuff' that continues to break my heart on the regular - I found myself in a state of clarity.  It became apparent that so often I find myself feeling like I have the control.  I am in control, and my plans have been laid and I expect it to go my way.  So many things are wrong with that statement.  I know that they are not my own plans.  I know that God's plan is greater than my own (Isaiah 55:9).  I know this, yet it is so easy for lines to become blurred when things that I planned are not going my way.

God has his hands at 10 & 2 one-hundred percent of the time, steering me through this narrow road with confidence, and how often I make attempts to turn on the blinker and make a (wrong) turn.

Through this past year, I questioned God.  A lot. Everything that was happening.  There was more than enough hurt, disappointment, confusion - time and time again.  I prayed and prayed for a sweet baby, and although prayer was delivered (more than once) it all came crashing prematurely - a loss that I didn't think I could stand to deal with again.  

I don't really know how or where else to start, but from the beginning to walk you through this last year. When I went in for my post-op check with Dr. Walsh about 6 weeks after Parker and Jolie were born, she advised and basically made me 'promise' for no pregnancies for at least a year.  My body after carrying twins and being bed rest for nearly 6 months couldn't tolerate another pregnancy (at least not very well) so soon.  We didn't have a problem with that 'agreement' .. I'm pretty sure we were running on fumes at that point with two newborn infants at home.

Over their first year, I successfully and exclusively nursed Parker and Jolie, and my period never returned.  No surprise there, as I had read this was normal.

At month thirteen, we were all ready to wean, and I was ready for my period to return, and Jordan and I were ready to start trying again.  I went in for my 'annual' with Dr. Walsh and expressed our desire for more children.  It was then that she directed us back to Dr. Douglas (fertility specialist) for monitoring.  Based on my history before with tracking my periods and monitoring ovulation - I don't ovulate.  Her exact words: "I don't want you here 2 years later asking me what to do because you can't get pregnant - lets just do the right thing (in my opinion) from the start."

January
--
After a brief consultation with Dr. Douglas, we decided that when my period returns we will start 25mg Clomid (as we did before with Parker and Jolie).  Awesome, great, and the excitement was nearly overwhelming.  This was going to be a piece of cake.. right?  So I thought.
By mid-January I still had not started my period (it had been a month of no breastfeeding), so Douglas prescribed me Provera (a medication that induced menstruation - to be technical).
January 18th I filled the script and took the Provera as directed and waited, and waited and waited. Less than a week later I showed spotting, and I never thought I'd be so excited to see Aunt Flow return.  Except, she never came.  I spotted for a few hours, literally, but a full on period never came.  Disappointed, I called the office, and they just told me I had to wait.  Wait? UGH.  Fine.

February
--
February marked the start of a several busy months of travel for me and work - but it also marked the return of my period.  THANK YOU! Day three of my period, I started 25mg of Clomid.  I remember I was in Austin for a work conference, but the girls and Jordan traveled with me.  I just remember the excitement that was had thinking we were about to get pregnant with another to do all this over again.  

March
--
The first week of March I went in for egg measurement for the first time in almost two years.  The process was all too familiar, and I remember finding a weird comfort in that.  3 minutes into the sonogram, the doctor hopped up and said 'You're ready to go!' 

Wait- what? Okay!

After checking my surge levels, and as usual, zero signs of ovulation, I took my Ovidril shot home with me with instructions scribbled on a sticky note from the nurse.  Clomid had done its job this second time around, and while I had multiple eggs producing, only one was large enough for ovulation.  
I remember coming home on March 21st after taking a pregnancy test that morning showing positive with such joy and confidence in my heart.  I was going to be a momma again.  I snapped this picture and will never forget posting it to social media with the thought in the back of my mind - I'm pregnant, and all I want to do is shout it to the world.  Instead I posted it with a simple caption, 
"Today was a good, good day"
4 weeks pregnant.
At this point I needed to wait three more weeks before we were able to see this little thing.  My hormonal pregnancy numbers (hCG) weren't nearly as high as they were with the girls (understandably) because there was just one baby in there.  It went from 40mlU/ml to 90mlU/ml in the two days it was 'required' to double.  All was great! 
April
--
April was another month of travel for me.  I was exhausted and thankful for the exhaustion.  Scheduled for our first sonogram at 9am, I was called for meetings in Houston the day before, and while I was not ready to tell my boss about the pregnancy yet, I made it work anyway.  I was whipped to the core after multiple meetings back to back, so I stayed the night and woke up around 4am to make the trip back to the Dallas area.  I remember waking with a weird intuition.  I was in a really bad mood.  I was tired.  I was cranky.  I was supposed to be excited to see our teeny baby - but for some reason, I wasn't at all.  I almost dreaded it.  I shrugged it off as the dread being for the LONG and boring drive home alone from Houston.  
  7 weeks pregnant.
I pulled into the parking lot, and hopped out to meet Jordan who was waiting for me there already.  When I saw him, all was well.   I needed to see his face. His face of joy and excitement.  Enough for both of us - thank goodness.  Laying on the exam table, the silence in the room was deafening.  I didn't know what in the world I was supposed to be feeling at this point.  And then the doctor spoke.  
"Well.  You are only measuring 6 weeks along.  And because we know exactly when you ovulated, you should be measuring 7 weeks.  There is something wrong."  There was a heartbeat, but due to the size and strength of the heartbeat, it was just too slow to pick up. 

He didn't say miscarriage, but he didn't have to.  We got our little soon picture of our petite baby, and waited for Douglas to call us back to his office down the hall.  He explained over and over about the process I can expect.. and that there wasn't ANYthing I could have done differently to prevent this.  He told me to expect to start bleeding within the next couple days, and to return in a week if things hadn't progressed.
"Good new is, you got pregnant.  We can do this again."      
I clung to that statement.  I didn't cry.  I walked out of their numb and in awe of seeing my baby, alive with a heartbeat, but was told it won't last long.  
How is this happening?
8 weeks pregnant.
We returned a week later to see the baby again.  It hadn't grown at all - still measuring just 6 weeks, but everything around it (including the yolk sac) had grown.  So at first glance, even the doctor thought it had grown.  But after true measurements, there was no growth.. and the heartbeat had slowed.  But I could see it.  I could see it beating.  This was even more heartbreaking than the first time I saw it.   I'm not sure what is worse than seeing your baby decline this way.  My baby that I hadn't even gotten a chance to hold or cuddle. Once again I was instructed to return if things didn't progress soon.
"I can't imagine it being much longer"
We left the office again.  And again, I had no tears.  Shouldn't I be so upset right now?  Shouldn't I be bawling?  At this point, my prayers to the Lord changed from "please save this baby for me to keep" to "please stop this short and carry on with the miscarriage."  
9 weeks pregnant | Easter Sunday
Still pregnant, and praying every day for no D&C, we went to church that morning with our sweet girls.  I quietly cried with glee over the fact that I had these two girls that made me a mother just a short year before.  Thankful everyday for that.  We made our way to Jordan's parent's house for lunch, and it came.  I felt sick all morning, and never having gone through this before, this wasn't what I was expecting TODAY on Easter Sunday when we were around EVERYone.  
I confess to nearly sighing with relief when I realized what was happening. 

After a quick call to the doctor that Monday morning after, I came in for a brief meet with Douglas and to draw my blood to make sure my levels were decreasing.  I was instructed to wait 4 cycles (periods) before we could try another round of Clomid.  My body needed the time to regulate after being 9 weeks along (technically) and then losing the baby before he was comfortable going for it again.  

He told me not to expect my period to return right away - and I remember thinking in my brain back over the years of struggling with PCOS and irregular periods.  
Dramatically I thought to myself- I was NEVER going to start again!  
"You seem to be dealing with this rather well.. how are you?" 
I truthfully answered that "I was fine."  
I really was.  I knew and was perfectly fine with the understanding that God was in control of all of this.  This was not my doing. This was nothing I had control over.  So I was fine.  Really.  
I still hadn't cried much.  Tears came randomly, but were very short lived.  We were going to make it through this.  I bled for a week.  The baby was just 6 weeks old, but my body thought and registered that I was much further a long than that.  
May
--
Surprise to me, but my period returned just a few short weeks after I stopped bleeding.  Whew.  May marked my second cycle down.  Two more to go.  Jordan and I went on a day-date to a Texas Ranger game, and stayed for the Mercy Me concert afterward.  I remember sitting in the stadium seat with thousands of people around me, crying on the shoulder of Jordan through the entire set of 'I Can Only Imagine'. Finally I was crying.  I hadn't cried through this entire process, and it felt good to just let it go.  
June | July 
--
Life carried on as usual.  I was 'regular' almost to the day with my periods (first time in nearly 15 years I could say that) and I was 'fine' - dealing with everything "on my own".  I didnt talk about any of it, and hadn't said anything about it in months.  Still in The Word every morning, but my prayers were about everything else and not about myself and my heart in dealing with the miscarriage just a few months before, and definitely not about pregnancy or having another baby.  My fourth period came, and the moment I started I put a call into Douglas' office.  It was time.  

"He wants you to have 4 cycles and THEN on your 5th period we will do Clomid."
Oh.        
Well, what's a month, right?  
August
--
My period didn't come when I thought it was going to.  I had been regularly starting about the first week of the month - give or take a couple days in between - but regularly for the last 4 months.
I was about 2 weeks 'late' and someone randomly 'liked' the photo of Parker and Jolie that I had posted 19 weeks prior, on March 21st.  The day we found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. 

For whatever reason looking back at that picture set me into a spin of frustration.  I was angry.  Angry like I had never been about any of this situation in the 8 months we had been dealing with all this. 
THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.  
I am supposed to pregnant.  Approaching my third trimester. We would know the sex of this babe.  The bedroom down the hall would be filled with baby things and nursery plans would have been made.  We would have a name.  My belly would be showing, and everyone would know we were welcoming our third come December 4th.  
Tears came.  I cried and cried and cried.  Why this was hitting me so many weeks after the fact was beyond me.  Finally after about a week of this depression, Jordan sat me down and we pow-wow'ed it out over several hours.  I couldn't explain why I had all these emotions NOW, but I was.  And he understood.
Finally.  The end of August arrived, and my period came.  After a sono to check my 'stuff' and make sure all looked well, we started another round of Clomid, just as we did a few months before.
Back and forth to the doctor's office 3 times for egg measurement (sonograms are flipping expensive, by the way) there was nothing. Clomid didn't work this round.  
What do you mean??  
Again with loads of emotions and confusion and "why is this happening?" played over and over in my head.  My body was tired, and this low of a dose wasn't going to do the trick to get the eggs where we 'need' them to be.  
"We will just try again next month."  
I was so tired of hearing 'next month'
'just one more month'
'we can do this again'
September 
--
Here we were again - 'the next month', and this time we bumped the dose to 50mg of Clomid.  I was elated to think about this AGAIN, but this time it was going to work.  It was going to be successful. We were going to have a baby.  My prayers over the last months changed from anger, question, and confusion, to thanksgiving, hope, and joy.
October 
--
We knew the drill.  Eggs (there were a couple) were ready to go and trigger shot was had.  Waiting two weeks before I could take a pregnancy test felt like a million weeks to wait.  The day came.
4 weeks pregnant
I went in for a routine hCG check, per the usual, and waiting patiently to hear back from the nurse.
24mlU/ml
"Thats kind of low, right?"
"Yea, we want it to be at least 25.  Come back on Friday and we will run it again - it could double as normal, so don't fret." 
Friday came.  I went in for my labs, and got the call just a couple hours later.  
"Its dropped, Amber. I'm so sorry.  Since this is the second, we need for you to come in for a consultation with Douglas to talk about a plan of care for the next pregnancy, and also to rule out any kind of gestational issues that could be causing these miscarriages."  
2 miscarriages in 6 months.  
I scheduled my appointment with Dr. Douglas for October 17th - a Friday.
I started bleeding just hours after that call with the nurse | October 11th

The next Friday came, they drew my labs one last time to make sure they were less than 5 (meaning not pregnant) and we had a chat with Douglas.  He said that this pregnancy, since it was just barely at 4 weeks, didn't concern him.  It could easily have been a chemical pregnancy, or an egg that just didn't attach correctly.  He wasn't worried about testing for any genetic abnormalities on my end that was causing these miscarriages. We could try next month. 
I could have kissed him.
We would wait for my period to start and then go again with Clomid.  Since I was actually getting pregnant successfully on Clomid, there was no talk at this point about trying with anything different.  
I only bled with this miscarriage a couple days, and by the time we met with Douglas on October 17th, I was done (I bled from October 11th-14th).  He gave us the clear for intercourse as we pleased as long as I wasn't bleeding anymore, and we happened to have a date night lined up and for Parker and Jolie to stay the night at their BB and Papa's.  
November
--
I expected my period to start pretty quickly again - just as it had back in April/May with the first miscarriage.  When it didn't come, I started to feel the emotional frustration as I had before, but nothing like what I had experienced previously.  My emotional stability was relied strictly upon God and his salvation.  I had such a peace about everything, and found it pretty hard to get 'angry' about any of this.  I knew He was in control.  Finding my joy in that, and laying that burden at His feet allowed me to be free of that anger I felt so strongly before.  Talk about relief.  
After weeks (I counted back nearly 6 weeks) since the miscarriage, I grabbed the cheapest pregnancy test off the shelf at Target after finishing my shopping for the week.  When I got home and unloaded everything, Jordan questioned me.
"You really think you are pregnant?"
"Not at all, but its been a long time, and I feel like I should have started by now." 
We had errands to run, and so while Jordan hopped in the shower, I nonchalantly took the test.  Before I could even finish peeing on that stick there were two thick blue lines.  
What does two lines mean?  What does THAT mean?  
I panicked because I had thrown the box and all the instructions away because I didn't think I needed them anyway. Of everyone, I was by far the most skeptical of taking this test, but I had to rule it out.  I busted out of the bathroom and dug through the trash in the kitchen to find that box and instructions. 
Pregnant. 
I then proceeded to run through the house to our bathroom where Jordan was showering and basically yell in his face (through the glass doors) that I was pregnant.  
We didn't have any reaction but to laugh.  No way.  Not a chance. 
We spent the rest of the weekend laughing in disbelief.
I called Douglas' office on Monday and made plans for me to come in for an hCG lab draw.  I had no clue how far along I was, but five tests said that I was at least 4 weeks. 
When the nurse called later that day, her first words (in almost a shout of her own disbelief) 
"When was your period?!" 
"I haven't had one. I took a test because I hadn't had one yet and I was trying to rule everything out before I called you guys."
"Well, your numbers are 3,800."
My first thought was that I had a couple babies in there.  These numbers were similar to that of what I had when I was tested with Parker and Jolie. Two days later my numbers jumped to 5,500. Pregnancy was real.  This was happening, and it seemed much different than the two other pregnancies I'd had this year already.  I was instructed to come in on Friday to see if we could figure out how far along I was - no one could understand these crazy high hCG numbers.

Friday came so quickly- everything was going so fast.  It was such a whirlwind. 
6 weeks pregnant - and there was just one (they checked and triple checked).
Heartbeat was strong.  Baby looked great, and measured to be exactly 6 weeks pregnant.
"Come back next week and we will measure again. If it grows a week's worth, all is well, and you have a 7 week old baby on your hands - or in your belly!"
The week of Thanksgiving.  The longest week of my life. So much unknown and so much FEAR.  I couldn't get over it.  
But, the symptoms started - literally - the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I forgot how tired I was with Parker and Jolie.  I forgot how BAD my boobs hurt almost three years ago when I was newly pregnant with two babies.  I was thankful for the exhaustion and soreness.  I wanted it.  It kept me going through this week until we got to see it again.  I couldn't help but jab myself in the boob here and there to make sure they still hurt.  
Yep.  They did.
7 weeks pregnant.
Heartbeat was strong(er), and the baby measured exactly 7 weeks.  Everything was perfect. 
Perfect. 
I was released from Douglas and instructed to call my regular OB for follow-up and natal care.  All this was amazing, and neither Jordan or myself still didn't believe what was happening.  But it was.
December
--
8 weeks pregnant.
My OB scheduled me for my first nurse visit (just basically to get the history and such since the last time I saw her) and then for a sonogram and well-check with her.  My nurse's visit and sonogram were a week apart from each other - and I was dying to get a peek at the little thing just for some sweet relief and confidence to get me through.  I begged the nurse to see if Dixie (the sonographer tech) was free to just let me see the heartbeat.  
167bpm.
I teared a little.  This was a huge milestone for me to be at.. we had made it, and that teeny baby is healthy. 
9 weeks pregnant. 
The week flew by, and it was time to see the babe again.  Everything looked good - measuring right on schedule at 9 weeks and 2 days.  I wasn't even expecting it when Dixie turn to check the heartbeat - with the sound: loud and fast at 173bpm.  Such a sweet sound.
I didn't get to see Parker and Jolie at this size so early, or I don't remember how big they were at least. Of course because there were two, they were smaller, but measuring appropriately.        
12 weeks pregnant.
Although I still jab myself in the boob here and there to make sure they still hurt (because they do), we've made it to yet another milestone in this pregnancy.  Finally leaving my frustration and questions at God's door and confidently allowing Him to be in control changed my outlook on everything - as they have successfully done so many times before. 
We get to see the little boo on Monday for another sonogram and I can't hardly wait.  
We are ready for you sweet thing, and oh-so thankful.

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34 comments:

Erikand Megan said...

Amber this is so great! Hubs and I truly look up to you and your hubby. Such belief and faith in our Lord and Savior and it is so refreshing to read that there are couples on Social Media sites still believing in His plan. We took off a year in 2014 to give my body some rest after the rush of 2013 and the miscarriage we faced that October. We traveled and had so much fun and now, we are scheduled for our first OBGYN appointment since 2013. We are eager to enter back into the TTC world and hope that 2015 is our year. We believe that God will bless us and we have deep faith that His plan will be what it will be. God bless you, Jordan, Parker, Jolie, and your new baby. I pray that you are able to hold another miracle in your arms again. I must admit, I am pretty excited to see Parker and Jolie as big sisters! God Bless!!!

Also, I like to guess early what people are having before they find out and usually I am right...for you, I am guessing Boy!

Happy New Year!

http://pendingconceivability.blogspot.com/

Erik & Megan

Ashley Kimble said...

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! Secondly, thank you for sharing such a personal thing in such a raw, honest way. I recently found your blog after being diagnosed with PCOS this year (after an entire year of multiple doctors, tests, etc. and issues many years before that too) and am on my second round of clomid right now. The doctor appointments, the waiting, etc. is already getting to me, but reading your story gives me hope and your encouraging quotes and verses are so great. I think infertility should be talked about -- and shouldn't be so taboo. It truly does help to hear other positive stories, even if they come with bumps along the way. Thank you again and congrats to your family!

Dani Lewis said...

What an incredible story. I am sorry for the loss of the other 2 babies but the fact that you already know that God has bigger plans for you and this baby is the best motivation to keep going. God bless you all!

Kayla Peas said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a miscarriage the week after Easter, on my way home from church. Reading stories like yours gives me hope and reassurance that God is in control and He is so so good. Congratulations!

Sapphire said...

Wow! Congrads to you and your family!! Amazing story. Thank you for sharing. I also have PCOS and lost a baby recently which I never expected to happen as I had never lost one before. Your story is full of hope and inspiration!! I will use your example as my guiding light to trust that God will provide when it is part of his plan. Thank you so much for sharing!! Wishing you and your family many blessing in 2015!!

Mackensey Stang said...

I have been eager to hear your story. It makes you so grateful for babes when you see just how hard and heart wrenching it can be for others. Reading your story and seeing your appreciation for your little ones is inspiring.
I just have to ask out of a bit of confusion: did you end up getting pregnant WITHOUT clomid!? Not sure if I am reading correctly but if that is the case, just another reminder and proof of how in control God really is!

Jenny Ikari said...

Congratulations and thank you for sharing your story! It is full of hope for so many families going through the same thing. What a blessing!

xoxo,
Jenny
jennyikari.com

Brittani Boren said...

Such a beautiful story!! God is good, ALL THE TIME!! Prayers for a wonderful 2015 for your beautiful family and your little miracle. I just love your blog!

Michelle Mayfield said...

Amber, I am so very sorry for your losses. I pray God continues to heal your heart. Your willingness to share and be so transparent will help so many others in their journeys. You have such a beautiful heart after God. ❤️

And lastly, but definitely not least, congratulations!! How incredibly wonderful! You will be in my prayers as you continue this journey. And I also really look forward to all your IG updates along the way. :)

Amy Flemister said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story Amber. I'm so happy for you and your family.

April said...

Congratulations! I had 2 miscarriages and I have 2 healthy kids now. I had one my first pregnancy and then one in between my 2 kids. The second time I lost one was the day of my son's 2nd birthday party. I started bleeding badly as soon as we got home from celebrating. It was awful and I about passed out. I so feel for you having had one back to back. I had some time in between mine to really take hold of what had happened and process it all. You are so right that we have to rely on God's timing and his provision in our life.

shannon swol said...

I'm so happy for you and your family I'm not gonna lie this had me tearing up for sure, I too have pcos and know all too well the struggles and waiting and just having disappointment and fears and leaving it up to God .. When I found out I was pregnant with Kinsley I had just left it in gods hands after two miscarriages and was just waiting for the 12 week mark to feel relief. I have just gestational diabetes while pregnant with her and even though I did everything I was supposed to do she still had complications at birth that left her in the Nicu you for a months so because of that I'm so afraid to try for another precious baby. I feel like everyone around me is having another and even though I want to have another I can't get past this fear. After reading this I know it's only up to God and he will see us through anything . I can't wait to see your journey with this pregnancy ❤️ congrats doll

The Joiners said...

So thankful for this story of redemption, but I know the journey to get there (just like with the twinkies) was not an easy one. Thank you for sharing! Looking forward to reading about your life as a family of 5!

Katie said...

oh amber! this made me cry. i know the frustration, and emotions and hope and disappointment to well with infertility. waiting for the numbers and trusting that God is in control when it is so hard sometimes. thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry for your miscarriages. what an emotional last year you've had. Congratulations on this sweet miracle!! we'd love to have baby #2 but the thought of starting all the fertility treatments again seems so overwhelming. it's helpful for me to read these stories!

Courtney said...

I love following you and your sweet family. I also went through a lot of fertility issues before I was blessed with my sweet twins. Thank you for sharing your struggle, you are such an amazing mama

Kristy @ Rejoice and Repeat said...

So much of your story echos my own. PCOS is vicious. Thankfully God is bigger than any diagnosis. We just officially announced our pregnancy today (we were 12 weeks on Sunday).I try not to be anxious even though we've been having some issues. I've been reassured that our little one is fine. Daily I place this miracle in His hands. I look forward to watching your bump grow :)

Emilyhrousseau said...

The biggest congrats to you and your family! Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it is inspiring!

Ashley Sanderson said...

I just want to give you a big, huge hug and just say congrats, congrats, congrats! The life of infertility is a hard one, and even though I wished we had met under different circumstances, I am so thankful God brought us together through our roads to becoming moms. I remember reading your blog when Kyle was diagnosed with varicoceles and being completely shocked with how identical our stories were. I am thankful for your encouragement through everything we went through, and I am so excited to see you walk through another pregnancy! Can't wait to get together and celebrate with ours girls!

Caitlin Comfort said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!
When I saw your adorable announcement on instagram, wondered if you had had to go through such a process like with Parker and Jolie...
How exciting!

Lauren McDowell said...

Wow, God really is amazing! SO excited for you and your family and to follow as your family grows. I am so sorry for your losses, I know from experience how difficult and all-consuming trying to get pregnant can be. You are so courageous to have shared bits throughout the year in your posts listing 'not pregnant'. How hard that must've been. It's especially difficult when you expect it to be 'easy' because of how quickly the clomid worked the first time (when of course it was a long journey to that point in the first place), especially when it's confirmed when it seems to have worked again but it doesn't stick. Sending lots of prayers your way. Congratulations!!

Melinda said...

I am in tears for you. I am so sorry for the losses that you experienced. I have been there, and know how hard it is. I am so happy to hear that you are again expecting and that all is going well! I have PCOS also and am a proud mama of 3 sweet boys.

Carol said...

I had two miscarriages before my daughter Kennedy. It's an awful struggle and I am sorry you not only had to go through that but fertility treatments as well. Praying that this pregnancy goes smoothly. I know it will. God is so good and so faithful! Congrats!

Bethany said...

We are pregnant at the same time again! I had my son Dec 17, 2012 and now I'm due in August 2015. How awesome! I'm so happy for your family.

Blog Admin said...

Hi Amber, thanks so much for this post, I think it's so important for women to share not only their successes, but their losses (and feelings associated with them). I lost my first baby the same day as your 2nd m/c on October 11. I was only 5 weeks and 2 days along, but the loss hit me harder than I expected. I relate to your feelings about thinking of how it "should be." Right now I should be pregnant and starting to show, I should know the gender and be decorating a nursery. I should be planning for the June arrival of my first child, but I'm not. I am fine and I accept that we have an angel baby in heaven, but I will always remember and love that baby. My doctor had me wait until my December cycle to start trying again, so right now I'm in a new two week wait...which feels like forever of course! I am hopeful that by the end of 2015 we will have a sweet baby in our arms, but that will never replace the loss of my first. I am so sorry for both of your losses, and congratulations on your little one on the way!

Claire

Amanda Simkin said...

You are so incredibly brave to share your story, but it will be helpful for so many others. I have known many friends and family who have had miscarriages, and I think that they would benefit from learning your story. Wishing you lots of health (and fun cravings) with this pregnancy!

Amanda
www.queenofthelandoftwigsnberries.com

Briana Rider said...

This story brought me to tears, it's sad and amazing all at once. I'm just starting Clomid this month and hoping for wonderful results just like you !

Brittany Sanchez said...

This made me tear up. What a beautiful picture of God's wonderful grace and love. My heart is so full knowing that in your struggles God was with you. His plan is better than our own even when those words are so painful to accept. Thank you for sharing your story with us. <3

Kristy Blouvet said...

I read this post when you initially posted it and I cried then. Today I just had to read it again... Losing my 4th pregnancy today your strength has me feeling a bit better I admire you for many reasons and this has added to those reasons. So thank you

Unknown said...

Amber, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been reading your blogs weekly and I recently came across your fertility journey. My husband and I have now been through a miscarriage at 6 weeks (back in September) and now a chemical pregnancy in January. Although I haven't been tested for any issues, I am still getting so frustrated with what has been happening and why we can't get pregnant. I have hope now that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right. Is there anything you did differently after you had the chemical pregnancy to get pregnant right away?

Unknown said...

Amber, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been reading your blogs weekly and I recently came across your fertility journey. My husband and I have now been through a miscarriage at 6 weeks (back in September) and now a chemical pregnancy in January. Although I haven't been tested for any issues, I am still getting so frustrated with what has been happening and why we can't get pregnant. I have hope now that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right. Is there anything you did differently after you had the chemical pregnancy to get pregnant right away?

Unknown said...

Amber, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been reading your blogs weekly and I recently came across your fertility journey. My husband and I have now been through a miscarriage at 6 weeks (back in September) and now a chemical pregnancy in January. Although I haven't been tested for any issues, I am still getting so frustrated with what has been happening and why we can't get pregnant. I have hope now that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right. Is there anything you did differently after you had the chemical pregnancy to get pregnant right away?

Amber Massey said...

Unknown- I am so sorry for your losses. These times are so confusing and surround so much question you just don't know what to do. I didn't do anything different- I didn't even think in my wildest dreams I could ever find out I was pregnant without a doctor telling me when to do the deed and when to test. My doctor told me that my body was coming off of so many hormonal changes from the pregnancy that it was easy for me to get pregnant right away- literally 6 days post-miscarriage. Keep the faith and stay strong in your faith that it will happen sooner than later.

Nicole Reese said...

Amber, wow, just wow. I've been following you for awhile but haven't commented. My twin girls were born in November 2014 after our own battle with infertility. The Lord took my hand and walked us through that difficult time. We were so surprised this past november to find I was pregnant (on my own, no meds, not even trying)!! The. In Jamuary our baby went home to the Lord and my heart was broken. The just literally days ago we found we were pregnant again only to find out today I am no longer (chemical pregnancy). I never knew my heart could break so much more. Thank you for sharing this because our stories are so similar. I'm so thrilled that you were able to have your sweet Baker. Praying God will have mercy on my anger today and love me through this. I so hope to be holding a baby one day again
-Candi Reese

Shana Shine said...

-Amber
That was a very inspiring, as I have PCOS and started my first round of clomid on yesterday 100 mg. I know its a road to go put I hope and Pray by December we will be giving out gifts with sono inside. Congratulations on the new and upcoming addition.

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